A Girl and Her Daddy

Can I gloat for a second?  I have an amazing husband.  Yes, today's our four year anniversary so I'm a little loopy in love.  But, seriously, can I brag a little bit on an amazing person?  I promise I won't make this whole post on Cory but he touches on so many areas of my life, its hard not to include him in every post.  So here goes.  If you're not married, read this post with eyes wide open.  You want a guy like the guy I got.  I promise.

I'm not going to spill my guts on every other guy I've ever dated, but suffice it to say I'm truly grateful I waited for the one I married.  It wasn't easy.  Can I tell you again? It wasn't easy.  It's not easy, in this world, to hold on to your morals stronger than anything else.  To love a God who demands nothing but the best from you and for you.

It's so darn hard to believe you're worth loving.  And I'm not naive enough to believe I'm the only person who feels that way.  We all feel that way, at one time or another.  So people give up.  They settle.  I settled in many a dating relationships.  God willing, I just didn't let it get any farther than that.  I could go on and on about how screwed up the whole dating scene is out there.  Believe me, if I ever write a book, it will be on that.  I've taught too many youth, especially young girls, who just don't believe they're worth much.  And can I tell you?  It breaks my ever-living heart.  Because now I have a little girl.  She's sleeping soundly right now with her little pink bunny in her bed.  But, I know.  I know what lies ahead.  It's the reason I can't seem to tell her enough how much I love her.  How easy it would be for me to lie down on a railroad track somewhere and get run over by a Greyhound train over and over again rather than see her get hurt.  But I know she won't be immune to the seedy voices out there outside of our house, outside of my arms.  Voices that tell her having a boyfriend in high school is worth any price.  Voices that tell her she better give it up or people will think she's a prude.  Voices that try and milk every last ounce of self-esteem from her little-girl body.  It's the same voices I heard for all those year.
I didn't listen to those voices.  Yeah, I shed a couple of tears over them, but I was always way to stubborn to give in the ideals another person had for me.  And, even when it seemed unbearably heavy, I held onto the belief that there was a God that loved me even if I was alone.  Especially if I was alone.  I've been made fun of more times than I can count for not giving in to the crowd.  Maybe it's the INTJ in me, I just learned not to care.  And that love of God was literally what enabled me to walk away when I knew someone wasn't worth my time.

Then I started dating Cory.  He's not perfect and neither am I.  But you know what?  Do you know what it felt like to date someone who thought that the fact that I hadn't slept with anybody was a inestimable gift?  Do you know what it was like to date someone who encouraged me in my walk with God rather than try and rip my hand out of His?  It felt like....love.  The past four years have had their fair share of ups and downs.  Its never easy creating a family.  But it's been heavenly in so many ways.

I distinctly remember a conversation I had with a guy I dated right before Cory.  Somehow the discussion came up about, if we had gotten married, how we would handle "family planning."  You know what his response was?  "You'll take the pill."  Not exactly a great opener for a "family" discussion, huh?  My response: "I've never taken the pill before and I never will."  He looked at me like I had three heads.  Seriously, he looked like he was at a total loss for words.  I told him I would want to use NFP.  You can probably guess what his response was.  I think there was a bit of a patronizing laugh and then something like, "That doesn't work.  No, we're not using that."  I had read and studied enough to know that I wasn't going to use artificial contraception.  But here was a test.  Twenty-seven years old and you're dating a guy that you really like but he seems adamant about using contraception, something that goes against my faith.  I really struggled with this.  Inevitably, the relationship came to an end not long after that discussion.  Do you know how much I appreciate being married to a man that doesn't want me to take a pill?  That I don't feel like I have to choose between making my husband happy and making God happy?  God, I feel loved.  We've had two children in four years.  We want more.  But, you know what?  I am so blessed to have a husband who cares for me.  Who doesn't want me to pop a pill to manipulate my hormones every month so that he doesn't have to play a part in the 'family planning.'  He's with me, and I'm one lucky girl.

Back to the girl thing.  The greatest gift I've given Katherine is her dad.  Because if I ever did come upon those train tracks somewhere, I'd find him already there.  He loves his children with a fierce love.  He doesn't play golf on the weekend or go fishing, he plays with his kids and fishes them out of their tents.  He doesn't go out drinking with his buddies, he drinks make-believe tea with his daughter at her tea party.  He doesn't look for any excuse to get away, he looks for any excuse to get home.  And that's all we can do.  I can't protect Katherine from those voices.  James, either.  But I gave them a dad who will walk with me as we build these fragile lives into stubborn lovers.  Stubborn lovers who will hold fast to the hand of God as tightly as we hold onto their chubby little fingers right now as we cross the street.  Stubborn lovers who know their value and won't let anyone convince them otherwise.  Stubborn lovers who will make authentic wives and husbands someday.  Stubborn lovers who will cherish their own children, the way their father and I cherish them.    It's all I can ask for.  It's what I was created for.  I waited for Cory Howat the way God waits for each of us.  Shoving away any voice that tries to tear us down and believe the lies.
I'll gladly spend the rest of my days trying to love Cory and love God.  And because I waited, my heart is not conflicted.